@chuuew: ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?
@chanelsprinkles: mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
@Swoosh61: [First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
@Rollinintheseat: Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell "She's right there!" every time she comes on the screen until you're escorted out of the theater.
@Douchekevin: Some of the nicest women you'll meet on Twitter are men.