@chuuew: ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
@tanialunreal: Thank goodness I'm loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can't blame it on the alcohol.
@jimmy_sharpe: I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@Kunk7: Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥