@chuuew: ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?
@seamusmckracken: My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
@JGrumbie: Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.
@OBiiieeee: [trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
@Smooheed: Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
@SortaBad: [god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this