@chuuew: ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.
@ItsAndyRyan: WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
@mrjohntofu: Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
@drunkNnaughty: I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.