“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special