ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.