Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The devil.