me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My purse is deeper than some people.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.