Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?