Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Noah
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
You are not alone 💚
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely