Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush