Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
That’s incredible! 👌
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*