Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
You Might Also Like
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.