ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Life cycle of cat
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.