Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Which wines pair best with gloating?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.