me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Important
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
went fishing caught a bass
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”