Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.