Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
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[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
What about second breakfast?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit