Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.