Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.