My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
You Might Also Like
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.