@timdonakowski: Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

@Home_Halfway: We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she'd probably kick all our asses in poker.

@AristotlesNZ: Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"

@cheeky__gal: The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

@SomeChrisTweets: Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.