My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
12. I think about this all the damn time
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.