ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
don’t we all
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US