ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.