me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.