Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done