me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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The cashier just checked me out.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
me, after any kind of buffet.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.