ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Food gives you energy to nap more.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me