ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Monday
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.