Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.