Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I hope it’s French Onion!
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Still my favourite meme.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US