Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
You Might Also Like
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.