Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
oh shit
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”