Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat