me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
You Might Also Like
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake