Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate