Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.