Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”