He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
getting corrected
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this