Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
This raises questions
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.