BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Cool shirt 🙂
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.