ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell