You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I think I’ll stand
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.