Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
How did we not see this back then?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Every. Damn. Time.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮