ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
every. time.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!