Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.