ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
You Might Also Like
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The news is so predictable nowadays
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37