Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Rather alarming headline…
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.