Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I finally found a reason to live again.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.