Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
You Might Also Like
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair