me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.