Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.