Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.